an answer.

Yesterday was a hard day.  I felt really triggered and I'm not sure why except that it's that time of the month and I was really tired.  I was awful and moody and my kids deserved better.  What made it 'worse' was that our phone (& thus internet) was turned off and we didn't have money in the account  yet so I couldn't go shopping either.  I know that was an inappropriate response and that those have become sort of replacement addictions.  So it was hard and it felt like having a great big itch that I couldn't scratch.  I wasn't sure what I should do and I was feeling a lot of confusion about dieting versus mindful eating... so I just read my scriptures and then fell asleep.  When I woke up I had the thought that perhaps dieting was akin to 'white knuckling' and that it was repeating past unsuccessful behaviors and attitudes.  On the other hand, simply choosing to eat mindfully was exhibiting faith in the Lord and patience with his plan- trusting that as we choose the right (eat mindfully in accordance with the Word of Wisdom) and work on just working the steps of the program then the healing will come in the Lord's time and the weight loss will naturally follow.  That actually seems the harder path to me because of the long-term trust (in myself and God) required and necessary patience.  And, yet, though I doubt and question if it's just myself rationalizing myself off yet another diet....I know that is the answer that gives me the most peace....because this time I am making a different kind of change and I have hurt myself by breaking that trust & belief in myself before.  I need to apologize to myself, forgive myself, and allow myself to not be perfect... all while taking responsibility for myself and my actions.  I guess that's growing up.  ;)

So I guess I have my answer.  I ate for a couple weeks just choosing to eat mindfully and focusing on my recovery rather than losing weight.  I felt peace and contentment- and found that I lost a couple of pounds each week... So I guess that's my answer.  It was after having a slip that I felt jumbled and anxious and looking for a quick fix- which then led to feeling confusion and self-doubt.  That is not the Lord's way.  So I may not lose as quickly as some others and I will have to be less self-conscious about my weight...but I can seek to have peace and contentment in spite of it, knowing that I am choosing the right and I am healing myself from the inside out.  We are promised our weaknesses may be made our strengths and I believe this is how.

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