struggles.

I haven't journaled in so long and I can tell the difference.  I never realized before how much it can help you keep your head about you.  I recommitted last night to my life and to bringing order and balance back to it.  I am looking forward to that and I am grateful that my Heavenly Father clearly supports me in that as I woke up entirely without an alarm, feeling rested, early enough for self care time as I so desired.  I know that He knows the desires of my heart and that He wishes me to be successful and have all the blessings I so desire.

It has been a rough few months.  I tried, though I think now only half-heartedly, not to let it get to me and to turn it over to Christ.  It began when I publicly shared feelings I was having about missing people and missing being able to hang out with women without worrying if the conversation was going to turn vulgar and I would need to work up the courage to leave.  I meant every word of it as I felt so sad to feel so apart from everyone.  I also was struggling with adjusting to our move (after losing our home in foreclosure while we had a short sale offer on it), and with K2 having had a staph infection that kept us confined for 2 weeks.  In any case, that led to my best friend from high school blasting me in an email to all of our book club as well as in a private email where she said our "relationship was over" and proceeded to detail every criticism of every aspect of my life she said she'd been harboring for the past couple of years.  I felt shocked and stunned (and, yet, a little part of me not) and so hurt.  I felt troubled and hurt that standing for my values, ones I'd expect other members of my faith to hold or at least good friends of mine to understand, would cause so many to be offended to such an extent.  I think frequently of the scripture "the wicked taketh the truth to be hard" and yet I find myself not wanting to think that of them for some reason because it feels like I'm passing judgment on them negatively, as they have so hurtfully done to me.

So I have struggled with this and allowed it to consume much more of my mind and heart than has been good for it.  Instead I should regularly be focusing on the fact that I know my Heavenly Father supported my standing for truth and righteousness....that inside of me I knew I was risking losing or upsetting friends when I stood up to them, yet I could no longer walk that line.  I felt so strongly the need to choose the Lord's side (I need to remember that's always the winning side).... I need to remind myself often of the feeling of approval I got when I went to the temple all broken-hearted about it all- the acknowledgement of approval by my Savior and Heavenly Father and the testifying voice that told me I had kept my covenants and been willing to sacrifice all, even friendships, in the name of the gospel.  I must remind myself often that theirs is the only opinion of me that truly matters and I simply should not concern myself with any others' except to correct any wrongdoings on my part (which has occupied a lot of my mind as well- trying to find responsibility for it in myself in a way that would give me back a sense of control on the matter).  However, that is unhealthy too to the amount and degree that I have done that rather than just focusing on the feeling of the spirit I got and accepting that things have changed and for the better.

I love my family and I feel so blessed to have them.  DH has done his best to be understanding and supporting without passing judgment (which is hard for him where this particular 'friend' is concerned).  The kids are so sweet and have such great personalities and spirits.  They really do light up my life.  They wanted to play with this friend's daughter as soon as school got out for summer and that was hard.  But I was honest with them about why that would no longer be happening and I think it will be a good learning experience for them.

I am looking forward to a new week and a renewed commitment to life.  I am going to be a human being rather than just a human doing.  I am going to live as God intended me and I am so grateful to know He loves me.

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